I miss you!

Gosh soon it'll be 10 years...10 YEARS!!!! How has my life continued without you in it? its funny when people say "life goes on", its true. Through all the pain, adjustment and sacrifice we experience, our mind just gets in gear and robotically we live. Then it hits you, its been so long since I've heard your voice, seen your face, thought about our memories!

My friend Carlos was such an amazing person. With a smile he would light up my day and shower it with hugs and kisses. He was the absolute friend, one of a kind. I remember everything we did together. I remember shopping on the phone with you and describing my clothes and you would tell me what to buy and what not to buy. I remember all the notes we used to write to each other and how you would tell me things you wouldn't trust the guys to know.

My friend, my angel, you live in my memory forever. Not a day goes by that i don't think about you and what life would be like if you were still here. How i could count on you for everything. You wouldn't judge me, i could tell you anything without fear of having you make fun of me and i know you felt the same way. I remember the last day i was able to see you and be with you. That Friday was so gloomy, the weather was horrible in school and i wasn't able to walk the same way that i usually did to see you and give you my daily letter. So you came to see me in algebra. You were so sweet. You came in and asked the teacher to let me out since i had already used up all my bathroom breaks LOL! And she let me go. Till this day i thank her for that. Those moments with you were incredible, i remember you hugged me and told me you loved me and i was the most special girl in the world. I praise that moment now more than ever because it was the last time you said it to me.

The next day you died. that Saturday night i was suppose to be with you and all the others. We should have been at the movies in dolphin mall. Fate works in mysterious ways and i will never truly understand why things didnt go as planned, why you didnt go home to sleep like you said you were going to do, why that motorcycle crashed that night, why you couldn't just get up and say you were OK. I remember getting a phone call at 5am from Miguel. And of course i thought it was a cruel joke. Since you guys were always playing with me. When he started crying i realized it was real. When i hung up the phone i was confused i started calling your cell but it was off. i couldn't believe it i ran to my moms room and was barely able to tell her what happened. I didn't eat real meals for days. The pain of losing you was horrible. We weren't friends for a long time but it sure felt like we were. In the little tim Seeing you dead was by far the worst test god has put me through till this day. How was closest friend lying dead in a casket at the age of 15? Why did my heart have to hurt this way? You were so cold and you just didnt look like you. We got to know each other we became so close. Why did god take you from me?

There were so many things i couldn't share with you. That year you weren't at my 15's. You would have been the life of the party...i wish i could upload the video of that day so you could see that you were mentioned and we prayed for you. We all had a good time but deep down all of us knew you weren't there. We weren't able to grow together. To experience life, our goals and dreams. 

I wonder how close we would be now? how you loved children, i always think about how you would be with mine...how excited you would have been for me. 

I want you to know wherever you are right now, that i carry a piece of you in my heart forever and wherever i go. I'm certifying in grief counseling this year in November to be exact. Help me pass the exam. I want to help everyone who has been through the loss of a loved one or friend. I saw what your mom went through. In anyway i can i want to live knowing I'm doing something in your name! 

I love you!

Daema 

  R.I.P. Carlos R. Martinez a.k.a "Ghettoman"

 8/1/1986/12/9/2001